In the Making.
I just want to fly / Fly away into the sun / Away from these years, I just want to run /Run and hide away in your arms / Away from the fears of yesterday /Just want to escape, live my life / Knowin' it'll all turn out all right / It'll be alright.
That's the chorus of a new song in the making.
And it really exemplifies how I feel right now.
A Wordless Passion
I'm so intoxicated by music. I could be feeling completely fine (at least thinking that I'm fine), and then I'll listen to a song, and I just get captivated. It sucks me in. I get lost. I get entranced. It's the weirdest feeling, and I only think that one would have to experience it truly to know what I'm talking about. It's as if the song was written to me. It's as if I'm in an entirely different world. I get so many feelings at once. One second I'll want to just smile. The same second I'll want to cry. That same instant I'll want to scream, only to be followed by a feeling of hope.
I can't even explain it. I just want to scream, because no tounge can put into words what I feel when I listen to a good song that touches me. I almost want to say that no one can really understand, but I know for a fact I'm not the only one that this happens to. I know it.
I think the reason why it happens to me is because I'm such a childish person with childish dreams. I guess it's a matter of believing in myself. I can't tell myself it's not possible, but I can't help having that doubt. I love piano, and I know I can play piano. I love singing, but I don't know that I can do that. I practice and practice, but I hold back. I just want so badly to have a room that is 100% soundproof---a room that I can go into and belt out and mess up. I want to mess up, so that I can be better. I want to record myself, so I can prove myself to myself. I just have such an overwhelming feeling of doubt about my voice. I want to think that I have something, but I'm just not sure.
So going back to what I said in the first place (about music), when I listen to a song that gives me those feelings inside, I think it is a feeling of dreams. I want to be that person. That band. I want to have that effect. I want to sound that good. I want to have an amazing singing voice. I want to go far in the music industry. But I think of how many guys and girls have those kind of dreams in highschool/college, and I know that there are millions of people who never make it into the industry. Who am I to think that I can do it?
I have the indescribeable dream, wish, desire to just not hold back, sing out, and give my whole being to music, but then I have those feelings of doubt. I guess I'll just have to keep believing. I can't give up.
Something that keeps me going is something that Hannah said to me two years ago. When we were going out, I would sing for her, and I'd tell her that I wish I had a better voice, and she told me that I still have a ton of time for my voice to develop. She told me not to focus on having an amazing voice, because right now, it's not going to be the end result anyways. She told me to focus on just keeping at it, because it will get better. That is what keeps me going. Partially because it is true, and partially because she believed in me. I think that's just as much of an aspect of it as practicing is. It's not just a matter of me believing in myself. It's a matter of having others believe in me, and I know that there are a few people that have always believed in me. Not many, mainly because most people haven't heard me sing, but there are a few people that I've sung to not holding back. They believe in me. This isn't over. I just have to believe and trust God. I need to remember that I need to follow His will.
Maybe my problem is I don't like feeling dumb. I don't like feeling foolish. I don't like being wrong. I don't like being immature. And the self-esteem side of me is telling me that I am believing in a childish dream that will never ever come true. A dream that is just that- a dream. A tunnel with no end. An empty, meaningless hope.
But I will not believe that. I can't. Because the level of music isn't based just upon skill and talent, but passion and heart, which I know I have. I believe. I believe in this dream. I will keep going. I may have a childish dream, but it's something that keeps me going, and I believe in it.
I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming to you till
My throat is numb
I wanna break, out I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst, is the waiting
In this room, I'm suffocating
Feel your presence
Filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you inI've died
I wanna live for love
Wanna live for you and me
(Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow)
I wanna live my lifewanna give you everything
(Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow)
Have you ever had a feeling of just... rest?
Being completely content.
Having a glimpse of true hope.
The only kind of calmness given by God himself.
Truly satisfying, relaxing, motivating.
Life is full of hardships, stress, trials.
Yet, with God on our side, we are.
That is it, put simply. We are.
We are anything we want to be.
We can do anything we want to do.
We can soar. We can survive.
The world can't stop us now.
Do you know this feeling?
Inches from a dream.
So let me just list all the absolutely amazing things/possibilities that have happened recently with Perilous Times...
1. Perilous Times won the Nazareth College Battle of the Bands competition. It was really awesome that we got first place, because that was virtually our first time playing together in concert. Awesome.
2. Corning Christian Academy advertised the PT victory in their weekly newsletter (visible in the last post).
3. The two PT websites combined (Purevolume and Myspace)have gotten approximately six hundred plays of their music since the competition (November 4th).
4. PT has been "fed" to Nazareth College, Corning Christian Academy, North Baptist Church, the Wayland high school, Corning, Radio stations, Living Word Evangelical Free Church (a church in Elmira), and other big churches, and is ever spreading, leading me to my newest point.
5. My Bible, English, and Worldviews (contemporary "history class") teacher, Mr./Pastor Boris is in love with PT. Not in a kiddish sort of way, but in a hopeful for success sort of way. He first of all asked me if I'd like for him and others to advertise our band. I obviously said, "Yes, of course!" He told me that he has already e-mailed the president of a radio station in Elmira about playing our music. Then, while the entire Middle School and High School was present in the room for morning announcements, he made the final announcement.
Mr. Boris- "Okay, you guys, let me ask you a question. Who wants to know someone famous?" ***class is silent*** "No, I mean it. Who, honestly, would like to say they knew someone famous?"
Kaitlin Walker- "KNEW? I know someone."
Mr. Boris- "No, because he's not famous yet. That's the point. We need to make that happen. My point is that we need to step it up and help out Perilous Times. So who is willing to try hard to advertise the band. I don't mean listen to their music. I mean contacting friends, family, and strangers. I want you to find email addresses on the internet. Go to the ABC website. E-mail Bill Gates. E-mail Sony Records. Tell them to go to the PT website. I'm going to e-mail Regis Philbin. So, I mean it...who is willing to advertise them?" ***many students raise their hands*** "Well, okay. Let's do this, because then we will be able to say that we knew someone famous. We can say that we went to school with him, that we knew him personally, that we taught him everything he knows."
Even in the midst of all the joking, it was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING... He is seriously a really cool teacher.
6. I was talking to Steve Rau, as I have been involved with the fall dinner theater production thing up here at FLM (where I am right now), and they have been my ride since they live like 2 seconds from me. Anyways, we were talking about PT, and he said that we could probably play at some of the upcoming FLM teen skates (since he works in the youth action dept.), which would be really cool, 'cause that's a good audience.
7. Again, with Steve, he told me that he fed our band to the youth pastor over at Victory Highway (probably the biggest church in the Corning area [a couple thousand people]). The youth pastor said that the first opportunity for us to play could be at one of the Mixes (their youth group). Then he said that another possible opportunity could be a potential Battle of the Bands competition at the church (of local bands) ending with a concert from a big name band (so the pre bands would act as a competition and opening bands at the same time). All in all.... veeeeeery cool.
8. Recently, I bought a pack of 100 blank cds/sleeves so I can really start handing out/selling cds. So far, it is going well!
Anyways, I could probably go on if I really thought about everything, but all in all, I'm just really excited about everything. I think Perilous Times really has something here. People like us, and it is funny, because I talked to Sabrina earlier tonight, and we were both admitting that we have to be careful that we don't start getting too excited... haha. We don't want to get big heads about it. I guess...I'm just completely stoked, because I think that it is not just by chance that our band has gotten through so many stages. I mean, if you really think about it, there are a ton of stages to being in a band, because of course, in high school, any kid that picks up an instrument has dreams of being in a band.
Step 1: playing an instrument.
Step 2: wanting to be in a band.
Step 3: talking about the possibility with the friends.
Step 4: having a couple practices to get the feeling/see if it'll work (the "chemistry").
Step 5: Regularly practicing.
Step 6: Getting a good song selection.
Step 7: Recording some songs.
Step 8: Building up a small fan base/having music online/music available to public.
Step 9: Playing some gigs.
Step 10: Building up even more fans.
Now, see, that is where we are. Obviously, after that, there are a ton more steps. Do you know how few bands actually get to that point, though? I mean, our band barely did. We struggled with step four and especially five, due to the major distance/transportation issue. Even now, we are spread apart 2 hours from each other. It's just really exciting. I think God is doing all of this, and I'm so excited. Maybe it's simply because it is a dream of mine coming true. Let's see where this goes.
Help Perilous Times out by spreading the word about us! Thank you, all.
This is really cool!
Ok, so this was in the weekly newsletter that went out from my school. Read the top paragraph.
New Picture thing
So, I made a new picture for Perilous Times.
Perilous Times won the battle of the bands... what else is there to say???
Well, actually, I'll post on here what I sent out to all of the fans/others on myspace:
subject: Perilous Times Update!!!
Hey everybody!! This is Jeff Carl, from Perilous Times. Just wanted to update you on our first official, everybody-all-together performance in Rochester, NY last night. It was a Battle of the Bands competition at Nazareth College (November 4), and all together, there were five bands.
Perilous Times was the fifth band that played, going on stage at 11:30pm. Believe it or not, the crowd had waited that long, as the competition originally started at 8:00. After a night of some great and some not so great music, the time had come: Perilous Times was up. We set our stuff up, did a quick sound check, then rocked. Then, just as soon as we started "You Missed Out," the session flew by, and we finished our set with "What Jesus Would Do" (a new one). We played five songs all together.
We were done. The stage cleared. The event administrator got up and called one member from each band up. Sabrina went on stage. The crowd voted by cheer.
Perilous Times won!
All I can say is, this is the beginning of something exciting.Be on the watch for PT gigs in your area, and if you know of a possible gig for us at a competition near you, just let us know, and we'll see if we can show!
Thanks so much to the fans that showed up at the show. It meant a lot to the whole band!
And in conclusion, if you're willing, feel free to help advertise Perilous Times by putting links to us on your page or posting some bulletins linking to our site:www.myspace.com/periloustimes
Haven't heard our music? Want to be our friend? Just click on the picture below!
Like I said, Sabrina....
let's just go be famous, okay?