You know what I don’t get?... is why I’m such a jackass. I am so sick and tired of failing God. I’m sick and tired of not caring. It’s weird, because I’ve been telling myself that it’s not that I don’t care, but just that I don’t have enough discipline to,,, oh I don’t know... read my Bible, or pray regularly, or whatever... That’s a lie, though. If I truly cared, I’d get over my idiotic, self-pitying self and DO SOMETHING about my faith! It’s not like I’m looking for something specific, just.... ANYTHING. I’m tired of doing nothing though. I want to know my God more. I want to understand Him. I want to understand who He is. I want to know that He exists. I want to know that He loves me. I want to know what He wants me to do for Him. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of being a fake. It’s exhausting.
I AM TIRED OF ME!!!!
I am ready for something more. I’m ready to get off my butt and start something new with my life. I don’t want to be the me that everybody knows. I want to be REAL. I’m always the one saying that I love people who are genuine, yet look at me. I’m a fake. I mean, sure I’m Jeff at times, but it’s just a certain Jeff that doesn’t define me as a WHOLE. I’m tired of living a drone lifestyle that’s just filled with the same fluff every day.
I look at where I am right now, and all I see is opportunity. I am at such a critical point right now in my life, one that is just open for growth. I’m basically going to be living by myself in a huge house, working a full-time, incredible job, hanging out with awesome friends, and just truly being independent! For once, things are up to me. Well, I’ll tell you what, I’m ready for change. Yes, I’ll probably fail a few more times... okay, fine.. a LOT more times, but I’m not about ready to give up. I’m going to stand back up and FIGHT FORWARD. I’m done with this. Above all, I’m done with me. I’ve wasted enough of God’s time. I’ve broken His heart one time too many. I don’t feel like there is any reason why He should be proud of me with who I am right now. I don’t feel I’m worthy to even look at the sky. Even worse, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of playing my music right now because..... It’s directionless. It’s passionless. It’s hopeless. It’s... well... empty. I’m not a prodigy, but I know I’m better than who I am now. Above all, I’m a child wanting the approval of his Father. Validation. Worthiness. Blessing. But right now, I feel like I’m just another hopeless, worldly being floating through these seasons filled with empty thoughts and convincing charades.
I am a sinner. I suck. But I’m over myself. I’m ready for NEW. I’m ready for FRESH. I’m ready to simplify. I’m ready to refocus. I’m ready to refresh myself. I’m ready to stop writing this thought. I don’t want to be the me of yesterday. I want to be a NEW Jeffrey Laurence Carl... the Jeffrey of today, fighting forward with every breath, discovering new possibilities, unlocking the depths of mysterious feelings, reaching for everything worth getting, but above all, glorifying God with my every thought and action.
I don’t even care if this makes sense, but it does to me, and if anybody who might be reading this gets at least ONE thing out of it, get this: Stop fighting the feeling... that feeling that you have that you can’t quite explain. That feeling that is buried deeper within you than your own soul. That feeling that does everything but go away. That feeling that defines the very struggle of identity. That feeling that can take the very gift of the harmonious language of music and turn it into something empty that makes us question why. Stop fighting it. It won’t stop... well, not until you do, that is. Fight forward. Fight forward.
Okay, so I know that being healthy is only half having a good diet. I haven't gotten to the "regular exercise" part yet, but hey... take a look at how I've been so far. I'm excited...
Okay, so the six containers on the left are all snack-size amounts of broccoli, cucumbers, peppers, and carrots. The next stack (second from right) is containers of meal-size salads (mixed greens, cucumbers, carrots, peppers, and broccoli). The last container on the right is something I just threw together a minute ago. (Chef Jeff...haha) It is tuna mixed with crushed greens, diced tomatoes, light mayonnaise (technically "nayonaise"), light salt, pepper, and a hint of lemon juice. It actually tastes fantastic. Today, I had five of those veggie-snack-packs on the left, one of the salads, two eggs, a peanut butter/jelly sandwich, and I've also only had water (and lots of it too). I'm doing well so far. I almost failed tonight. Cheese on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was really tempting, but I forced myself to resist. I know, I know... that sounds gross, but it's actually amazing. Anyways, I hope I stay faithful to this. I suck at commitment when it comes to things like this. I'm so weak at times. Anyways, hopefully I can do this. :)
Don't Break. Don't Close Your Eyes.
I just added some new songs to my playlist, so take a minute to listen to them if you want.
Long story, short, this past week was hell in the way of allergies. Every single day, I've come home with severe asthma, runny nose, itchy throat, itchy eyes, headaches/migraines, and sinus problems. I never realized until now how truly bad my allergies are. Over the years, they've gotten progressively worse. Anytime in the past that I had an allergic reaction to something, it was usually a one-time deal, but this week, I've spent every single day at somebody's house that has animals. Let's just say, on one specific night especially, I seriously considered driving myself to the hospital, and that's crazy for me, because I always always always just try to suck it up and get over myself. That time, however, I had never been in such immense pain from allergies, so I was borderline worried.
Yesterday, I talked to my mom about it. I was asking her if we could get the doctors to check me out and see what kind of help we can get in the way of a stronger inhaler, allergy medicine, etc. My mom agreed that that would be good (for those emergency situations), but she was saying how I need to go past medications and go straight to the core of the problem-- my immune system. I'm going to try to completely revamp my lifestyle, mainly in the area of diet. No more dairy. A lot less sugar. All that jazz. It will be interesting. Lord knows, I love my cheese, but I'd rather not have allergies, sooo.....
Crazy Now, Calm Later
Well, plans for this weekend are pretty insane. Yesterday, I got to have lunch with Hannah which was great. It was really nice to catch up. Then, I drove out to Evan's, and Sabrina did a great job with everything. The recording is really coming together now. It sounds incredible, at least I think it does.... however, I am rather biased now aren't I? Today, I am meeting Rave in Bath for lunch (:-D) and then heading back over to Evan's for last day of recording with Sabrina. I'm soooo stoked! Tomorrow, I am going to church, and after that, I'm heading to the mall with Rachelle and her family to spend Easter with them at Olive Garden. I know how fun that's going to be, so I can't wait, especially since I don't know when I'm going to be seeing Rachelle again after this weekend. After lunch, we're going to go see Vantage Point, and then who knows what after that, but it's going to be fun. In the evening, I might head over to the Ginnan's and chill with them a little. I have Monday off of work, so that'll be nice. I'm thinkin' that this week is going to be a little more relaxed. It should be nice, although I have loved my schedule this past week... seeing everybody's been great. Anyways, I am already late for getting ready for lunch today... ahh!
Back to Reality... oh wait. Reality's awesome.
Well. Today is Wednesday. I haven't even been home a full week yet, but I:
- unpacked the car - said hi to the all the Ginnans - went out to eat with Greg and Tanya - unpacked completely - slept in - hung out with Tanya - went to FLM's awesome production! - went to see Horton Hears a Who with Sabrina - practiced and played lots of music with Sabrina (to prep for recording) - went to WHS's awesome production! - went to Friendly's afterwards with Sabrina, Greg, Tanya, Willy, Josh, Casey, and Debbie - hung out with Sabrina, Greg, Willy, and Josh at my house after that - went to church - went to Walmart (periodically for supplies as the needs arose) - cleaned our house with Sabrina's help (thank you again!) - hung out with Greg and Tanya - went to first day of work at FLM Monday from 8:30am-5:30pm - picked up Sabrina, then went to Evan's to record Sabrina stuff for the evening - took Sabrina home and ended up staying the night due to a really bad allergy attack - worked Tuesday from 10:15am-5:45pm - went to Evan's for more recording - wrote this blog entry.
So it's been very insane, but I've been loving it, except for the fact that I've been fighting allergies and and a cold the entire time. Oh well, I'll deal with it. Anyways, things are great. I'm absolutely loving most every aspect of the big, bad North.
Now, I need to get a shower and get ready for work today from 8:45am-6pmish.
What a world, what a world. :)
God bless, Jeff
*THE RECORDING SOUNDS INCREDIBLE.... p.s. *Good luck with your job interview, Saboo. *Thanks every body for making me feel very much so welcome back in NY. I really missed you all, and I know these next few months are going to be awesome.
¶ 7:12:00 AM1 Comments
March 14, 2008
Deer Land Venue
Besides any body else who moved to Marco Island, FL for 7 months from August of 07 to March of 08, nobody can truly understand how excited I am to be back at home in NY. I arrived yesterday. Now that I'm here, it doesn't feel like I was gone that long, but man, when I was in FL it did. I am stoked to be back. I've gotten mostly unpacked and already had a wonderful 9 hours of sleep. yum. :) Today's agenda is only filled with the FLM production tonight! Tomorrow is hangout day with Sabrina during the day, but then in the evening, we're going with a group of people to West's play. Really excited.
We're all Thieves
God has blessed me so incredibly much... with everything. I can't believe that I'm stupid enough to ever forget that. There are so many times when I wish. I hate that. The only thing I need to be wishing for is that I'm not going to screw up God's plan for me. Satan knows I'm materialistic and throws things at me all the time, and I am so quick to fall. I am sick of it though. Enough is enough. I'm through with my petty self. I'm through with stealing the glory from God. I'm through trying to hide it.
Literally... I found something that someone else posted about cigarettes. I knew they were bad for you, but I've never heard the ingredients listed in this context before. Check out some of the ingredients and some of the stuff they're linked to besides cigarettes (some of this stuff, I already knew, but...):
Arsenic-- rat poison, Fungicides. Cadmium - Linked to lung and prostate cancer. Benzene - Linked to leukemia. Formaldehyde - Linked to lung cancer. Nickel - Causes increased susceptibility to lung infections. Ammonia- Household cleaner. Angelica root extract- Known to cause cancer in animals. Benzene- Used in making dyes/synthetic rubber. Butane- Gas; used in lighter fluid. Carbon monoxide- Poisonous gas. Cadmium- Used in batteries. Cyanide- Deadly poison. DDT- A banned insecticide, due to it nearly causing the extinction of the Bald Eagle. Ethyl Furoate- Causes liver damage in animals. Lead- Poisonous in high doses. Formaldehyde- Used in dead bodies to preserve them. Methoprene- Insecticide, growth regulator. Naphthalene- Ingredient in mothballs. Methyl isocyanate- killed 2000 people in Bhopal, India in 1984. Polonium- Radioactive element used in atomic bombs.
(those aren't even all the ingredients....there's more.)
I hate cigarettes. I am sorry it is so addicting. I wish it wasn't, because it is literally unintentional (or intentional) suicide!
¶ 3:23:00 PM2 Comments