A Wordless Passion I'm so intoxicated by music. I could be feeling completely fine (at least thinking that I'm fine), and then I'll listen to a song, and I just get captivated. It sucks me in. I get lost. I get entranced. It's the weirdest feeling, and I only think that one would have to experience it truly to know what I'm talking about. It's as if the song was written to me. It's as if I'm in an entirely different world. I get so many feelings at once. One second I'll want to just smile. The same second I'll want to cry. That same instant I'll want to scream, only to be followed by a feeling of hope.

I can't even explain it. I just want to scream, because no tounge can put into words what I feel when I listen to a good song that touches me. I almost want to say that no one can really understand, but I know for a fact I'm not the only one that this happens to. I know it.

I think the reason why it happens to me is because I'm such a childish person with childish dreams. I guess it's a matter of believing in myself. I can't tell myself it's not possible, but I can't help having that doubt. I love piano, and I know I can play piano. I love singing, but I don't know that I can do that. I practice and practice, but I hold back. I just want so badly to have a room that is 100% soundproof---a room that I can go into and belt out and mess up. I want to mess up, so that I can be better. I want to record myself, so I can prove myself to myself. I just have such an overwhelming feeling of doubt about my voice. I want to think that I have something, but I'm just not sure.

So going back to what I said in the first place (about music), when I listen to a song that gives me those feelings inside, I think it is a feeling of dreams. I want to be that person. That band. I want to have that effect. I want to sound that good. I want to have an amazing singing voice. I want to go far in the music industry. But I think of how many guys and girls have those kind of dreams in highschool/college, and I know that there are millions of people who never make it into the industry. Who am I to think that I can do it?

I have the indescribeable dream, wish, desire to just not hold back, sing out, and give my whole being to music, but then I have those feelings of doubt. I guess I'll just have to keep believing. I can't give up.

Something that keeps me going is something that Hannah said to me two years ago. When we were going out, I would sing for her, and I'd tell her that I wish I had a better voice, and she told me that I still have a ton of time for my voice to develop. She told me not to focus on having an amazing voice, because right now, it's not going to be the end result anyways. She told me to focus on just keeping at it, because it will get better. That is what keeps me going. Partially because it is true, and partially because she believed in me. I think that's just as much of an aspect of it as practicing is. It's not just a matter of me believing in myself. It's a matter of having others believe in me, and I know that there are a few people that have always believed in me. Not many, mainly because most people haven't heard me sing, but there are a few people that I've sung to not holding back. They believe in me. This isn't over. I just have to believe and trust God. I need to remember that I need to follow His will.

Maybe my problem is I don't like feeling dumb. I don't like feeling foolish. I don't like being wrong. I don't like being immature. And the self-esteem side of me is telling me that I am believing in a childish dream that will never ever come true. A dream that is just that- a dream. A tunnel with no end. An empty, meaningless hope.

But I will not believe that. I can't. Because the level of music isn't based just upon skill and talent, but passion and heart, which I know I have. I believe. I believe in this dream. I will keep going. I may have a childish dream, but it's something that keeps me going, and I believe in it.

Foolishly hopeful,
Jeff Carl



I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming to you till
My throat is numb
I wanna break, out I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst, is the waiting
In this room, I'm suffocating
Feel your presence
Filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you inI've died
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love
Wanna live for you and me
(Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow)
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my lifewanna give you everything
(Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow)  ¶ 9:08:00 PM