Fresh You know what's weird? Lately, in the area of music, I've had a few more doubts than normal. As I'm preparing for my auditions at VS and BU, of course I'm starting to get a little nervous. I start comparing myself to some of my favorite bands, and I begin to think "what am I doing? I am so far from that. Why am I convincing myself that I'm different... the exception to the rules... that I could maybe even be on the same par?" It's weird, because though I realize my level of ability and stuff, and that I'm far from the best, I don't normally doubt myself that much.

That said, for whatever reason, even with the recent increase in personal doubt, I also have this really weird feeling of... not necessarily confidence, but comfort. I guess... comfort with my future. You know, I often fall into the trap of what the world feels about my choice of career. The financial hardships. The social pressures. The ridiculous chances of "success." The list goes way on, but I keep having to remind myself of why I'm so passionate about what I do. It's not so that one day I could be a celebrity. It's not so that one day I could be fabulously rich. It's not so that people will want to be like me. Again, the list goes on.

I want to be an artist for one purpose, or even more specifically person: God. That is the reason why emotionally, it's a roller coaster for me, because God is my passion, but so often, I'm failing him. That drives me insane. Trying to be an ambassador for Christ when my relationship with him is, at times, not healthy is crazy. It's continually a journey for me. Every day, I face my challenges.

However, in the end, I have my passion, which is more than some people can say. I'm chasing my dreams. I have my hope. I have my drive. It's weird, 'cause sometimes I feel like my goals are not enough. Some people talk about how they feel called to the mission field in Central America or Africa, and that is amazing to me. I am so inspired by that, but then I think of my situation, and I almost feel small or like I'm less spiritual for NOT feeling called to that. THEN.... I remember. Everyone has their own calling. My calling, as of right now, isn't to go to another country. My calling is here. My calling is in my music, whether I'm the best or not (haha... definitely not). My mindset is "I believe." I have to believe that there is some good left in America. I have to believe that there is hope left in this generation. I have to believe that someone like me can successfully pursue my dreams without giving up. Sure there are trials, but too many people buckle under those and compromise and settle for less. People give up their future, thinking they've failed and have nothing left to live for, but the reality is that we all have a future, one not in this life... THAT is what this life is about...letting people know of that future and the hope that is available to all.

Times right now are getting crazy. The dollar's going down. The war is going on. Abortion is very alive, like the unborn babies should be. Hollywood is insane. People are depressed about self-image, with so much publicity on diets, weight loss, medications, etc. Postmodernism is raging. Once once again.... the list goes on. PEOPLE NEED THE HOPE! I have to believe that I can help, even if just one person is affected by my music.

To conclude these thoughts, I'm going to get back to my subject of this post: Fresh. In my life right now, with all the unknowns staring me in the face, I'm so ready to move forward, because for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can. I feel like instead of talking to people about my dreams, but still being stuck in my home or something, I'm now moving forward. I'm getting ready to audition for something that'll bring me three or four years of training in my career. I know I'm not ready now, but i'm going to go to a school that'll teach me the rest of what I need to know...well... kind of. Of course the learning will never stop. I guess it just comes down to what you want to be remembered by. I don't want to leave this world knowing that I never gave it a chance. I've been accused of being too trusting of people or being too open with just anybody, and sure... that's not always healthy, but it defines the part of me that I'm discussing. I have to believe that there is some good left in this country...


I know I'm just babbling on, but I'm looking forward to these coming years. I don't know what it holds. Maybe God'll completely revamp everything. I have no idea. I do know one thing though. I know that I have my passion, and it's going to take a lot more than personal doubt to stop me from my reaching my dreams.

...and who knows? Maybe I can inspire some people to do the same.

Fresh.

-Jeff Carl  ¶ 10:29:00 PM