March 31, 2008
Fight Forward
You know what I don’t get?... is why I’m such a jackass. I am so sick and tired of failing God. I’m sick and tired of not caring. It’s weird, because I’ve been telling myself that it’s not that I don’t care, but just that I don’t have enough discipline to,,, oh I don’t know... read my Bible, or pray regularly, or whatever... That’s a lie, though. If I truly cared, I’d get over my idiotic, self-pitying self and DO SOMETHING about my faith! It’s not like I’m looking for something specific, just.... ANYTHING. I’m tired of doing nothing though. I want to know my God more. I want to understand Him. I want to understand who He is. I want to know that He exists. I want to know that He loves me. I want to know what He wants me to do for Him. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of being a fake. It’s exhausting.
I AM TIRED OF ME!!!!
I am ready for something more. I’m ready to get off my butt and start something new with my life. I don’t want to be the me that everybody knows. I want to be REAL. I’m always the one saying that I love people who are genuine, yet look at me. I’m a fake. I mean, sure I’m Jeff at times, but it’s just a certain Jeff that doesn’t define me as a WHOLE. I’m tired of living a drone lifestyle that’s just filled with the same fluff every day.
I look at where I am right now, and all I see is opportunity. I am at such a critical point right now in my life, one that is just open for growth. I’m basically going to be living by myself in a huge house, working a full-time, incredible job, hanging out with awesome friends, and just truly being independent! For once, things are up to me. Well, I’ll tell you what, I’m ready for change. Yes, I’ll probably fail a few more times... okay, fine.. a LOT more times, but I’m not about ready to give up. I’m going to stand back up and FIGHT FORWARD. I’m done with this. Above all, I’m done with me. I’ve wasted enough of God’s time. I’ve broken His heart one time too many. I don’t feel like there is any reason why He should be proud of me with who I am right now. I don’t feel I’m worthy to even look at the sky. Even worse, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of playing my music right now because..... It’s directionless. It’s passionless. It’s hopeless. It’s... well... empty. I’m not a prodigy, but I know I’m better than who I am now. Above all, I’m a child wanting the approval of his Father. Validation. Worthiness. Blessing. But right now, I feel like I’m just another hopeless, worldly being floating through these seasons filled with empty thoughts and convincing charades.
I am a sinner. I suck. But I’m over myself. I’m ready for NEW. I’m ready for FRESH. I’m ready to simplify. I’m ready to refocus. I’m ready to refresh myself. I’m ready to stop writing this thought. I don’t want to be the me of yesterday. I want to be a NEW Jeffrey Laurence Carl... the Jeffrey of today, fighting forward with every breath, discovering new possibilities, unlocking the depths of mysterious feelings, reaching for everything worth getting, but above all, glorifying God with my every thought and action.
I don’t even care if this makes sense, but it does to me, and if anybody who might be reading this gets at least ONE thing out of it, get this: Stop fighting the feeling... that feeling that you have that you can’t quite explain. That feeling that is buried deeper within you than your own soul. That feeling that does everything but go away. That feeling that defines the very struggle of identity. That feeling that can take the very gift of the harmonious language of music and turn it into something empty that makes us question why. Stop fighting it. It won’t stop... well, not until you do, that is. Fight forward. Fight forward.
End.
-Jeff Carl ¶ 1:13:00 AM
I AM TIRED OF ME!!!!
I am ready for something more. I’m ready to get off my butt and start something new with my life. I don’t want to be the me that everybody knows. I want to be REAL. I’m always the one saying that I love people who are genuine, yet look at me. I’m a fake. I mean, sure I’m Jeff at times, but it’s just a certain Jeff that doesn’t define me as a WHOLE. I’m tired of living a drone lifestyle that’s just filled with the same fluff every day.
I look at where I am right now, and all I see is opportunity. I am at such a critical point right now in my life, one that is just open for growth. I’m basically going to be living by myself in a huge house, working a full-time, incredible job, hanging out with awesome friends, and just truly being independent! For once, things are up to me. Well, I’ll tell you what, I’m ready for change. Yes, I’ll probably fail a few more times... okay, fine.. a LOT more times, but I’m not about ready to give up. I’m going to stand back up and FIGHT FORWARD. I’m done with this. Above all, I’m done with me. I’ve wasted enough of God’s time. I’ve broken His heart one time too many. I don’t feel like there is any reason why He should be proud of me with who I am right now. I don’t feel I’m worthy to even look at the sky. Even worse, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of playing my music right now because..... It’s directionless. It’s passionless. It’s hopeless. It’s... well... empty. I’m not a prodigy, but I know I’m better than who I am now. Above all, I’m a child wanting the approval of his Father. Validation. Worthiness. Blessing. But right now, I feel like I’m just another hopeless, worldly being floating through these seasons filled with empty thoughts and convincing charades.
I am a sinner. I suck. But I’m over myself. I’m ready for NEW. I’m ready for FRESH. I’m ready to simplify. I’m ready to refocus. I’m ready to refresh myself. I’m ready to stop writing this thought. I don’t want to be the me of yesterday. I want to be a NEW Jeffrey Laurence Carl... the Jeffrey of today, fighting forward with every breath, discovering new possibilities, unlocking the depths of mysterious feelings, reaching for everything worth getting, but above all, glorifying God with my every thought and action.
I don’t even care if this makes sense, but it does to me, and if anybody who might be reading this gets at least ONE thing out of it, get this: Stop fighting the feeling... that feeling that you have that you can’t quite explain. That feeling that is buried deeper within you than your own soul. That feeling that does everything but go away. That feeling that defines the very struggle of identity. That feeling that can take the very gift of the harmonious language of music and turn it into something empty that makes us question why. Stop fighting it. It won’t stop... well, not until you do, that is. Fight forward. Fight forward.
End.
-Jeff Carl ¶ 1:13:00 AM
Comments:
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Now that's more like it!
Friendly Advice From Someone Who's Just Been There: don't keep trying to do this alone. Get another Christian guy who's honestly seeking God who's not afraisd to push down "stonewalls" to ask you the hard questions. Get accountability. Get a mentor who's older and wiser, who's been-there-and-done-that to do a Bible study with you. But please, DON'T KEEP TRYING TO DO THIS ALONE! It just doesn't work. God made Christians to be a body that works at life together. Get serious Christians who can pour into you, then start pouring into other people. I sincerely hope that i don't sound demeaning or preachy ('cause i'm honestly not trying to be). I've been praying for you for a while, and it's incredibly awesome to see God answering. Here's another thought that really helped me out too: You can never truly find yourself until you lose yourself in Jesus. Matthew 16:24-26 puts it this way; "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? (The Message)". Keep going man!
Friendly Advice From Someone Who's Just Been There: don't keep trying to do this alone. Get another Christian guy who's honestly seeking God who's not afraisd to push down "stonewalls" to ask you the hard questions. Get accountability. Get a mentor who's older and wiser, who's been-there-and-done-that to do a Bible study with you. But please, DON'T KEEP TRYING TO DO THIS ALONE! It just doesn't work. God made Christians to be a body that works at life together. Get serious Christians who can pour into you, then start pouring into other people. I sincerely hope that i don't sound demeaning or preachy ('cause i'm honestly not trying to be). I've been praying for you for a while, and it's incredibly awesome to see God answering. Here's another thought that really helped me out too: You can never truly find yourself until you lose yourself in Jesus. Matthew 16:24-26 puts it this way; "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? (The Message)". Keep going man!
# posted by 
: 7:25 PM
: 7:25 PM
I am SO glad you've finally come to the conclusion that you can't do it alone. :) First of all- have you ever thought about going to a Bible University? (not nessisarily Word of Life) BUT an actualy Biblical university where you can take both Bible courses and get a music degree? There are some REAL amazing schools out there that are looking for willing people like ourselves who want to serve God and go into missions :) AMEN to the comment above. ^_^ Anyways, keep on going for the Lord; don't try and do this on your own. Find solid Christian friends who are willing to be there. True friends will be there through the thick and thin. Anyways, God Bless!!
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# posted by : 7:06 PM
: 7:06 PMSubscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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